Good Times =)
Jul 26, 2020
When I started this blog, I didn’t think it would be this big. I actually got discouraged for a little while, thinking maybe this journey isn’t meant to be shared. It surprises me when people ask me when the next one is coming out! In a way this blog has really kept me going. It has given me a purpose and allowed me to show the world my mother through my eyes. I ran into one of my mothers’ friends this morning, it’s almost like she had seen a ghost. She asked how my siblings and I were doing, and I assured her that we were all doing well. I thank God that I am able to say that with confidence. I think about where I was mentally six months ago, and I probably wouldn’t have been able to say the same. When I think about my mom I don’t get as sad as I did before. I laugh and think about the crazy things she used to say and do. Every time I used to visit my mother I would always dance and make her laugh. There are endless videos of me trying to “twerk” for her while she was well and while she was sick. She would laugh so hard and remind me that I didn’t have a butt. I think laughter got us through her illness. I would be in the hospital and at the hospice center dancing and my only goal would be to bring a smile to her face. I always look at my social media memories and it’s always something about my crazy momma. People think I’m funny, but my mother was HILARIOUS! I hear her voice all the time. I may be crazy, but I always talk back. Before she passed away, I knew she would always be with me. I cry tears of joy because I’m so blessed to have had her as my mom. I can’t believe God chose me to come from such a beautiful soul. I look in the mirror and I see her every day. I feel her spirit all the time. When they called for hospice, I had decided that when my mother left, I was going too. I didn’t have any intentions of harming myself, but I just assumed I would be going with her. When I got that call that she was gone, and I was still here it was devastating. I understood that my work here wasn’t done and that I had to stay. I devoted my life to taking care of her and when she was no longer here, I had an identity crisis. I didn’t know who I was without my mom. The earliest memories I have with her is always sleeping next to her. When I was a child, I would hear my dad leave out for work and hop right in bed with her! Sometimes she would take naps on the couch, I would get my blanket and lay on the floor just to be up under her. We spent a lot of time together, just the two of us. My mother HATED driving so once I got my license, she would make me drive her everywhere. I used to take her back and forth to work and it seemed like every time I picked her up in HER car there would be a new dent in it. I would get yelled at the whole way home. We would get on each other’s nerves but I’m thankful for the memories. Every time she would get in the car she would say “Turn on my record” which was whatever she was in the mood to hear that day. When I miss my mom, I listen to her “records” and imagine her singing and snapping her fingers to the music. When she first passed away, I didn’t want to be a part of anything that reminded me of my mom but now it makes me feel closer to her. I always pray before I sit down and write. I’ll have one thing in mind to write about but then it ends up looking nothing like the plan. Every day is literally a lesson and I’m just trying to keep up. I’ve gained so much wisdom in this year alone and I’m so grateful for it. I pray that God continues to use me, and I pray that my words bring you peace and joy. I asked my mother before she passed away how she got over the loss of her mother and she said, “Oh the good Lord showed me the way”. I will always remember that moment because God is who I will continue to lean on. He has not failed me yet. Even on her death bed she gave him the glory and that right there is a testimony in itself…………As always please continue to keep my family and I in your prayers. Continue to reach out, I love engaging with everyone!
