Today marks three years since we lost you, Mom. As I reflect on this anniversary, I find myself at a crossroads, caught between the weight of my grief and the uncertainty of my future. Your absence has been profoundly felt, especially as I navigate my young adult life without you.

 

I was just 21 when you left us. Now, at 24, I feel like I’m adrift, stuck in a cycle of repeating the same struggles and emotions. Your death has cast a long shadow over these formative years, and I often feel lost, as if my life is on pause while everyone else seems to move forward.

 

Your guidance and support were my anchors, and without them, I find it difficult to find my way. Each day feels like a challenge, and the sense of direction I once had seems elusive. I long for the clarity and comfort you provided, and without you, I struggle to see the path ahead.

 

There’s a part of me that is deeply frustrated by how stagnant I feel, how my young adult life seems to be slipping through my fingers. I yearn for progress and fulfillment, but I find myself bogged down by the weight of my emotions and the lingering impact of your loss. It’s as if I’m caught in a loop, unable to break free from the grief that still holds me captive.

 

I wish I could share these feelings with you, as I did before, and seek your advice and solace. Instead, I try to navigate this turbulent period on my own, grappling with the confusion and sadness that accompany my journey. Your unconditional love was my refuge, and without it, I feel vulnerable and uncertain.

 

 I hide my pain behind a mask because the world never truly understood the depth of our bond. You were the only one who saw me for who I am, who knew my vulnerabilities and loved me despite them.

 

I harbor a lot of hurt and anger, especially towards those who were supposed to be there for us. I remember how I was left alone at home while they said goodbye, and the loneliness I felt in those moments has left scars that are slow to heal. I try to be present for my family, but the truth is, a part of me remains disconnected, a part that is still grieving and hurt.

 

Forgiveness has been a long journey, and though I am no longer angry, I don’t know if I will ever fully move past the hurt. It’s hard to let go when the pain feels so raw and the wounds so deep. I’ve built a wall around my heart, one that makes it hard to accept love, even though all I truly want is to be loved unconditionally, as you loved me.

 

Mom, you were the only person who gave me that love without reservation, and your absence has left a void that nothing else can fill. As I navigate life without you, I hold onto the precious memories we shared, even as I continue to wrestle with the sadness and longing for the comfort you once provided.

 

Despite these challenges, I am trying to honor your memory by pushing forward, even when it feels incredibly difficult. I am learning to carry the lessons you taught me, to find strength in the love you gave, and to seek new ways to find purpose and direction in my life.

 

Mom, your absence has left a void that nothing else can fill, but your memory continues to be a source of inspiration. I hope that by embracing the love you provided and finding new ways to honor you, I can begin to move beyond this feeling of being stuck and find a path that allows me to grow and heal.

 

Thank you for everything you were to me and continue to be in my heart. I miss you more than words can express, but I carry your spirit with me as I navigate this journey.

 

With love and remembrance,

-Brownie (Amari)

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