Forever 32;

Today is my 33rd birthday, and I’m having a hard time wanting to celebrate. This is my

first birthday without Kendra, and entering another age without the person you came into the world with is devastating. I am trying to find the balance between honoring Kendra’s life while also celebrating mine. It is a blessing to be here still, but I am struggling because deep down inside, I feel like celebrating my life somehow dishonors her. The most challenging thing lately has been getting out of bed. It may seem like such a small task, but there is an internal battle within me where one part of me wants to get up and “live” again, and the other part of me is still stuck and in shock from her passing. There are days when I feel guilty for just simply surviving. It doesn’t feel right to have happy moments when I just buried my other half.

A “shift” or “glitch” happened within me when Kendra took her last breath. I was not with her when it happened, but I felt it. There was a disconnect, and the only way that I can describe it is when the TV signal goes out and that “fuzzy” screen appears. The problem is that the “signal” never came back on for me. I have never experienced this type of pain or heartache in my life. Not only is it an emotional and spiritual pain, but sometimes the thought of her causes me physical pain. It knocks the wind out of me, and I struggle to breathe. A part of me is gone, and I no longer know who I am. I look like Jaz, sound like her, and even share the same family and friends, but I no longer feel like her. My soul feels incomplete, and I know the Jazmin we once knew left with Kendra.

As I enter chapter 33, I am excited to discover a new version of myself. Life has hit me hard, and it knocked me out! I am slowly but surely gaining my strength back, and I thank God each day for sending me a great therapist. Grief is complicated, and the emotions that it brings can feel unbearable at times. We have all dealt with depression and anxiety at some point in our lives, but the way we manage those emotions is crucial. I have been in therapy consistently since 2019, and after losing Kendra, I had to “up” my care. I had to stop working, and I went through an intensive outpatient psychotherapy program three times a week for a month. When my therapist suggested that I join the program, I was defensive at first. I became very judgmental of myself because I felt like that meant I wasn’t doing a good job at “managing” my life. God has revealed to me that I am dealing with a pride issue! “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”-Proverbs 11:2

I humbled myself and got through the program. In a group setting, I met many wonderful people who could relate to some of the things I was going through. I became more grateful for my relationship and connection to God because some of the people in the program were non-believers and had no hope. Going through life’s raging storms and not having hope must be dark.

I have been blessed with many titles, and “Twin” has always been my favorite. I may be sad today, but I realize that the best way to honor Kendra and the ones who have gone before her is to LIVE!!! I know she wouldn’t want me crying all day, so I won’t. I thank God that she doesn’t have to spend another birthday in pain. If I had a choice to change a thing, I wouldn’t. God makes no mistakes, and I know he was ready for her to return home. I understand that there is more work for me to do here. Generational curses and trauma shall be broken in my family, and my prayers will cover the generations to come. Please keep me and my family in your prayers; I will do the same for you and yours.

Happy Heavenly Birthday to my “Womb-mate” Kendra, who will forever be 32; I love you so much and hope to make you proud.